How many times have you made a resolution at the beginning of a new year, only to wish later that you'd never set that intention?

What if it was okay that you didn't keep your promise?  What if the fact that you didn't keep it was perfect?  What if the things that happened, in spite of the promise, were exactly what should have happened?

The proof:  THEY SHOWED UP AND YOU'RE STILL HERE!  Give yourself credit for that.

We often get caught up in our 'story' about the things that don't go as planned.  We tell ourselves that we 'should' have done this or we 'ought' to have known better.   Rarely do we stop long enough to give ourselves credit for switching course, changing direction or rolling with the punches.

We hear the stories about tough times and doom and gloom.  And while it's true that we may have to make some changes we didn't anticipate, those changes don't have to define who we are.  Easier said than done?  Yes.  But it can be done.

Start making a list of what went RIGHT over the past 12 months.  Who came into your life and made it better?  Who walked away and made it better?  What did you learn about yourself that wouldn't have been possible except for the circumstances that showed up?  Who or what surprised you in an amazing way?

What do you absolutely know to be true?

What do I know?  I know that fear and worry can be paralyzing or mobilizing.  It depends on where your head is at the time.  I know that people are doing the best they can, even when they're not.   I know that the only moment change can happen is now.  Not yesterday or tomorrow, NOW.

I know that I've learned more than I thought possible over the past 12 months, met new people who have become treasured friends and lost people I will miss forever.   I've come to understand that just because something shows up that I don't like, doesn't mean I can't appreciate the lesson, eventually.

More than anything, I've learned to give myself credit for not giving up or giving in.  Sometimes, that's the difference between 12 months of regret or gratitude.  What kind of year will you choose?

Think about it.  Does any major change, movement, or progress happen without some degree of irritation or disturbance?

Did you ever grow when things just coasted along?  Or, did major shifts in your life, work or relationships cause you to redefine yourself?

There's a lot of fearful talk, thought and energy in the air lately, especially around money.  Are you observing it or participating in it?  We always have the ability to choose where our thoughts go.

It's easy to be upbeat, pleasant and hopeful when we're comfortable.  However, that 'comfort' can make us lazy.  We become comfortable 'doing' things a certain way, 'thinking' a certain way and even 'behaving' a certain way.  Seldom do we consider that we have options.

How often have you heard people say they 'can't' do this or they've 'always' done it 'that way'?  It's as if once they've made a decision, their minds become encased in concrete with no hope of escape.

I'm not saying you shouldn't be realistic about events and circumstances that shape your life, but you certainly don't have to let them change your personality or dictate how you show up in the world.

News flash!  Your thoughts do not control you.  YOU control your thoughts.  Take a risk.  Make yourself uncomfortable, especially with fearful thoughts.

Deliberately challenge a negative thought when it creeps in.  It can be 'scary' or it can be 'interesting'.  That depends entirely on the perspective you choose.

One of the pioneers in the study of mind power, John Kehoe, developed some great techniques for dealing with negative thought:

Cutting it off: when you think something negative, stop instantly and insert another thought (your mind can only think one thing at a time).

Labeling it: recognize it as a negative thought and call it that.

Exaggerate it into the ridiculous: make it absolutely absurd.  Play it out in your head to the point that it becomes cartoon-like (this is my personal favorite, by the way).

Counteract the negative with it's exact opposite: if you're thinking how horrible a thing is, change it to the best it could possibly be.

Recognize that you are the one choosing how you react.  Recognize, too, that's not comfortable...especially when it's easier to blame other people and circumstances.

Positive change rarely happens in our 'comfort zone'.  Growth only occurs outside of what we already know.

Are you 'scared' to try, or 'interested' in what might happen?

What if everything you thought you knew about yourself was false?

What if you were in situations that forced you to react in ways that totally surprised and maybe even shocked you?

What would that do to your sense of self?  How would that change your relationships?

I had the chance to answer those questions recently.

I was part of a 4-day experience called  'Enlightened Warrior Camp'.  It was filled with situations and challenges that forced me to come face to face with myself.

While I can't reveal the details (the value is in the personal experience), I can tell you that I fully understand how negative 'self talk' can paralyze you.

It reconfirmed that letting other people's opinions determine how you live your life means giving your life to them.

It demonstrated how the support of people who work together for the good of a group strengthens everyone in the group.

So, what does that have to do with communication?  EVERYTHING!

The first person you communicate with is you.  What are you saying and how does that determine the choices you make?

What does your mind tell you about YOU?

Do you talk yourself out of trying new things because...(you fill in the blank)? Do you define yourself based on who you were YEARS ago?

Do you have a clue what would be possible if you stopped thinking about what you SHOULD do?  What would happen if you ignored your 'mind' and did what your 'heart' told you?  Does the idea scare you?

Part of your mind's job is to keep you exactly where you are because that represents safety.  But staying 'safe' means you don't grow.  The only place growth happens is outside your comfort zone.

Tip: The next time your mind tries to 'help you' by making you question a decision, activity or situation that will open new doors for your growth, tell it 'Thank you for sharing, but I'm making another choice."  It's amazing how well that works.

You may discover a powerful person.  You may also discover that powerful people don't have to force anything.  They ARE a force by their very presence.

You may discover that's who you really are.

Q: Do you have any tips for getting better enunciation, pronunciation and vocabulary in your speech?

A: One of the tips I give the news anchors I coach at CNN is to slow down. It gives people a chance to process what you're saying.  When we speak too fast, we can give the impression that we're nervous or lack confidence.  That may not be true.  However, 'perception is reality'.  So, to come across more clearly, speak slower.  You'll sound more powerful and more in control.  Use words that you're comfortable using.  Don't risk experimenting with a word that you don't use in normal conversation.

Q: How do I relax and be myself when I'm in front of an audience and I'm nervous?

A: First, take a deep breath.  It's the easiest way to change your physical state and it allows you a few seconds to relax.  Then, don't be in a rush to start talking the minute you're in front of audience or when someone asks you a question.  Count to three (which gives your brain a chance to engage) then start talking. Use brief pauses occasionally to give yourself a chance to gather your thoughts.

Q: How can I make sure I'm being professional and credible when I'm so focused on how I sound and what I'm saying?

A: If you're giving a speech, the people in the audience already assume you're credible.  Their presence says they are there for the knowledge you have to share.  It can be a hard thing for a speaker to grasp, but it's not about YOU, it's about the audience.  What can you say that will make a difference in their lives after they hear you?  Remember first and foremost that you're there to give.

We'll be doing another open question and answer call in October.  Stay tuned for the details!

A big 'But' can be a problem.  No, not THAT one, that one has an extra 'T'.  The one I'm talking about usually shows up in the middle of a statement.

The word 'but' has magical powers.  We use it all the time, but rarely do we think about its impact.  The magical power in the word is that it erases everything before it, which is not necessarily a good thing.

Think about it: you make a statement and then follow it with the word 'but'. You've just cancelled everything you said.  For example:  'I really like the job you did, BUT, next time you might want to pay more attention to..."

Do you REALLY think the person heard the compliment?  I doubt it.

We mean well and often have the person's best interest at heart.  However, (which is another way of saying 'but', by the way) what we forget is that the quality of our communication is how the other person receives it.

If you're in the middle of a heated discussion and you use the word 'but', what you're usually saying is that the other person's opinion or position is irrelevant.   Not a good place to find consensus, is it?

'But' has a lot of 'cousins'...the words 'however', 'although', 'except', 'yet' and 'nevertheless' are all in the same family.

Tip: The next time you're tempted to use the word 'but' or any of its relatives, try using the word 'and' instead.

For example, "I appreciate your perspective AND I can see how you arrived at that conclusion.  There may be some related issues we can discuss."

The old you may have said, "I appreciate your perspective, BUT there are some related issues we can discuss."

Admittedly, the difference is subtle.  That is until you realize that the first statement acknowledges the person's viewpoint and the second statement dismisses it.

You can also use the words "I respect...AND... or "I agree...AND...

This is not easy.  I recently attended a workshop where we did this exercise.  For a former reporter like me, who is excited by 'interviewing' people and being a bit of an instigator, this was tortuous!

The value of the exercise is that it makes you extremely conscious of whether your conversation is respectful of opinions and viewpoints that don't agree with yours.

Try it.  You may find that your 'buts' can use a little reducing!

I was on a flight to Los Angeles some time ago on the day Delta Airlines officially came out of bankruptcy.

As a 'thank you' to everyone flying on that day, the airline served a free glass of champagne to every passenger on every flight.  Not too shabby, huh?

I will bet you the dollar amount of your choice that very few passengers walked off their flight with a bottle of champagne.  I did.

Did I ask for it?  No.  Did everyone else on the plane get one? No.  So, how did I do it?  I had a conversation with the flight attendant and got to know her as a person.  It was one of those conversations where you talk about nothing and everything.

The point was that I made a connection that went beyond "Do you have any more peanuts?" (Okay, so I did ask for more peanuts, but that's not the point).

The point is that we want to feel valued, listened to and validated when we're with another person.  That doesn't take a lot of time; it simply means talking less and listening more.

Author Robert Mayer (How to Win Any Argument) calls it the '75/25 Partnering Secret': listen 75% more than you talk.   It means letting the other person have the spotlight, even if you have a story that's better or more interesting.

Tip: The next time you meet someone new, ask him or her at least two questions in an effort get to know them before you offer information about yourself.

Compliments work wonders.  You don't have to be syrupy, just sincere.  It's usually safe to compliment someone on an article of clothing or jewelry.

Tip: Compliment behavior.  If you see someone doing something nice for another person, tell them what they did was really nice or a 'class act'.   This works especially well with children and teenagers.

People are more likely to repeat behavior on which they get positive feedback.

The payoff can be rewarding and sometimes surprising: new business, closer relationships and every now and then, a free bottle of champagne!

In the movie “A Few Good Men”, starring Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson, Nicholson’s character delivers a line that has become famous.

Nicholson’s character, a hard-core soldier, is on the witness stand being questioned by Cruise’s character, a military lawyer.  When Cruise demands the truth from Nicholson, Nicholson replies with anger and venom, “You can’t handle the truth!”

Many of us can’t.

Most of us would rather be ‘right’ than get to the truth.  I’ve been there and I suspect you have, too.

How realistic is it to believe that you are engaged in provocative, powerful, productive communication and conversation if you’re not focused on getting to the truth?

If your primary goal is to always and only be ‘right’, you’re leaving a lot of valuable insight and learning on the table.  You’re leaving a lot of potential growth on the table.

If you’re not growing, you’re dying.  It’s true for nature.  It’s true for us.

Sometimes that growth can be painful.  Eventually, it is extremely beneficial.  It either helps us get rid of what isn’t working, allows us to modify what is working or inspires us to create something that works even better.

Tip: The next time you ‘need’ to be right, stop and ask yourself “What’s really true about this situation?”

Take a step back and observe the facts.

Look at who is participating in the conversation.  Why might they have that particular opinion or viewpoint?

Tip: Ask yourself (and perhaps the person you’re talking to) what would a win-win outcome look like?  You may find that collaboration produces a far more powerful result.

Granted, there may be some situations where you do have to make a decision without input. The process still works.  Question yourself.

Seek the truth first.  You won’t have to worry so much about the consequences later.

'The difference between successful people and unsuccessful people is that successful people fail more'- Martha Beck, writer

That's quite a different take on failure, don't you think?

Sometimes our biggest failures show up when we try to communicate and can't seem to get our point across.  Of course, it's because of the other person, right?  NOT!

Your communication is only as good as how the other person receives it.  That puts the responsibility squarely on your shoulders.   I know it doesn't seem fair, but it's true nevertheless.

When you hear yourself saying things like "You never listen" or "Talking to you is like talking to a brick wall!' or "Why is this so difficult for you to understand?" maybe it's time to step back and do a little analysis.

On the other hand, if you often make statements like "I'm really shy. It's not easy for me to start a conversation" or "I've never been good at small talk" or "No one will want to hear what I have to say", you have to be prepared to deal with the consequences.

What are the consequences of communicating poorly?

Could that promotion have been yours if you had spoken up more in meetings?

Was there someone you recently met who could have helped your career or provided you with an opportunity, but you said nothing?

Did you often interrupt people or push your opinion on them?

Do you have a hard time 'reading' other people to know how you're supposed to respond?

All of those things cost you on some level.  You can turn it around.  The trick is to pay attention.

Tip: If someone asks you something and you don't understand, repeat it back to him or her and ask if you have it correct.

Tip: The next time you're in a group and everyone is expected to offer input, say something!  Make sure it's relevant to the topic of discussion.  Ease into your statement with words like "This may be something to consider..."

The best communicators didn't get that way overnight.  There was trial and error, missed signals, lost opportunities and plenty of room for growth!

What did they learn?  You only fail if you don't learn from what happened.

You only fail if you don't try a different approach.

Gifted communicators have failed often...all the way to success!

It took me a long time to figure out what I would write to you to kick off the New Year.  I thought about writing something on making and keeping resolutions or perhaps ideas on how to communicate in a more positive way.

Then it hit me.  The first person who needs get more positive talk from you is YOU.

If you change nothing else this year, consider this: You don’t have to believe everything you think!

I’d like to take credit for this idea, but it landed in my lap during a seminar I recently attended in Los Angeles called ‘Master Your Mind’. It was one of the most powerful seminars I’ve ever attended.

The featured speakers and teachers focus their work on how we think, what it takes to make us happy and why we react to events and thoughts the way we do.

I’m a big believer in lifelong learning. The concentrated learning at seminars, not to mention the energy of like-minded people, is amazing.

One of the speakers brought the room to a standstill with the statement: “You don’t have to believe everything you think.”  WOW!

How often do you assume that every thought you think is ‘fact’?  How often do you act on those thoughts as if they were facts?  Well guess what?  If YOU came up with the thought, YOU can CHANGE the thought!

If you’re reacting like I did, you’re probably doing the one-handed slap right now (hitting your forehead with the palm of your hand) because this sounds too simple.  Yet, it is that simple.

Tip: The next time you think a negative thought, immediately stop it!  The instant the negative thought rises up, replace it with a completely different thought.

Your mind can only think one thought at a time.  You get to choose it.

This may take some practice. But, as with everything you’ve become good at, the more you do it, the more it will become second nature.  Pretty soon it will become a habit.

It’s a fascinating truth that your mind can’t tell the difference between a real event and an imagined one.  Your body reacts the same to both (ever been scared watching a horror movie?).

If you want some different outcomes in this year, think some different thoughts.  Your thoughts become your feelings. Your feelings lead to your actions. Your actions produce your results.

What do you THINK about that?

We can count on certain things when groups of people get together.  It doesn't matter if it's a business gathering, family gathering or a party with friends.  Someone is going to tell stories.

Those stories usually recount good times from the past, triumphs over difficult times and a few sentimental recollections about people we wish were still here.

We love stories.  Many of us grew up with them, told them to our children, listened to elders tell the same one every year at family reunion or holiday times, relived them at class reunions or annual business events.  They're a part of who we are.

Are you telling yours? You have at least one, and someone can learn from it.

Stories help us make a point when being direct could cause problems.

Stories connect us when we believe we have nothing in common.

Stories convince us to buy when a hard sales pitch would turn us off.

Stories are how we keep our history alive.

Most sales and marketing professionals will tell you that 'facts' tell but 'stories' sell.

Some of the most powerful advertising campaigns have moved mountains of  products and services through stories.

Case in point: the credit card commercial about a man and his father tracing their family roots back to a foreign country.  The commercial shows them having fun, bonding and meeting wonderful people, only to find later that they're in the wrong country!  The problem is happily solved when they pull out the trusty credit card and head off to a new adventure.

What's the message?  Knowing your history, spending precious time with a parent, having fun even if you're in the wrong place.

It makes us feel good and it works.  You have the power to do the same thing.

What is your product or service?  What do you do that no one else can?  Whose hero are you?  All of those things have stories attached to them.  Start telling them!

Tip: If you have a little trouble getting started, think about the last time someone thanked you for something you did or complimented you on a job well done.  What were they referring to?  There's a story there.

Tip: During holidays or family gatherings find something to recall about the last time you were with this same group of people that made it memorable.

Tip: At business functions, recall the successes of the year.  Be specific with the details about who played a part or how the team came together.

Most importantly, if there's someone who made your year special, tell him or her in detail what that act of kindness, generosity, compassion or thoughtfulness meant to you.

Knowing the difference we made in someone's life is a story we usually don't mind hearing over and over again hence  The Power of Stories.